Hands up who was aware that there is an S&M (that’s sadists & masochists for the innocents amongst you) gathering in Puerto de la Cruz in March.
The masochists are the competitors in the Canaries Infinity Xtreme race which takes place in the car park beside the harbour on Saturday 13th March and the sadists are everyone who turns up to watch people willingly put themselves through hell.
For one day the car park is turned into a sort of SAS version of It’s a Knockout where competitors push their bodies to the limit. The course involves running 10 kilometres and tackling 15 obstacles which include foam and water filled containers, fields of rubber tyres, mud slides and concrete tunnels…and all within two hours.
By the time runners reach the finishing line (those who manage to survive the course that is) sopping wet, covered in foam, bruised, battered and exhausted, every energy-sapping obstacle is clearly etched into faces which veer between painful grimaces and beaming smiles filled with pride…and a lot of relief that their personal endurance test is finally over.
Anyone out there who fancies finding out if they’ve got what it takes to complete Tenerife’s most extreme race can find out more information at WWW.CANARIASINFINITYXTREME.COM
However, if you’re like me and prefer to watch others slip, trip and tumble in the name of entertainment and charity (part of the registration fees are donated to the María García Foundation) the race begins at 4.30pm, but the fun starts much earlier at 10am with aerobic displays, kangoo jumps, Xtreme biking and all sorts of jackass type activities.
Ask anyone to name three blockbuster movies filmed on Tenerife and the chances are that they’ll reel off Star Wars, Planet of the Apes and Clash of the Titans.
It’s a pretty impressive pedigree apart from one little fact…only one of them was actually filmed on Tenerife.
Who knows which creative tour guide started the story about Star Wars and Planet of the Apes? Clearly it was Tenerife’s equivalent of Slumdog Millionaire’s Jamal showing tourists around the Taj Mahal.
No doubt he, or she, also told visitors that Las Américas was named after Richard Burton and Liz Taylor and that the first astronauts to stand on the moon trained on Mount Teide – other popular Tenerife myths.
The fact that Star Wars and Planet of the Apes weren’t filmed on Tenerife might come as a bit of a surprise, but what’s a bigger shock is that no major mainstream movies have been filmed on Tenerife since Raquel Welch slipped into a goatskin bikini (a nice authentic Guanche touch) and strutted her stuff in front of some decidedly rubbery looking dinosaurs in One Million Years B.C. (maybe that should now be B.C.G.I.) back in 1967.
Since then there have been other movies filmed here that most of us of a certain age will have heard of, such as The Land That Time Forgot and Journey to the Centre of the Earth (the 1976 Doug McClure version, not the Brendan Fraser 3D version from a couple of years ago), but there’s been nothing to set the box office alight.
Parts of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy were filmed on Tenerife in 2005 at Loro Parque, but despite that film being an adaptation of the cult novel which, when I was a teen, every geek at school could quote to death, it still wasn’t in the same league as Star Wars.
European filmmakers have long since cottoned on to the wonderful cinematic qualities of Tenerife’s epic landscape ever since the silent movie El Caíd was shot here in 1926. ‘C’ list actors such as The Good, The Bad & The Ugly’s Lee Van Cleef and Reservoir Dogs‘ sadistic Mr Blonde, Michael Madsen have starred in instantly forgettable Euro-Anglo productions shot on Tenerife. But the Hollywood big boys pretty much shunned this filmmakers’ paradise until a local boy, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (director of 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to 28 Days Later) made a truly original movie which made them sit up and take notice of Tenerife. Intacto earned rave critical worldwide acclaim when it was released in 2003. Its tale of four people who can absorb the good luck of those around them, taking part in a life or death competition to discover who’s the luckiest of them used Tenerife’s gorgeous scenery to stunning effect. One classic scene involved blindfolded competitors running helter skelter through the pine forests. With scenes also shot at Taganana, Masca and Las Cañadas del Teide, filmmakers were exposed to a Tenerife many didn’t know existed.
And now, thanks to Intacto’s impact, we have a true Hollywood blockbuster about to launch Tenerife onto a more mainstream world stage on Friday 2nd April when Clash of the Titans in 3D is released in the UK and USA.
We don’t know yet whether the mythological tale of men clashing swords with gods and monsters will actually be any good, but with Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and rising star Sam Worthington as hero Perseus, it’s got a quality cast; the latest trailer is pretty damn exciting and last, but not least it’s got a secret weapon that most other movies don’t have…Tenerife’s unique scenery.
Get ready people, it’s almost time for the titans to clash.
Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Benicio del Toro, Hugo Weaving
Plot: Lawrence Talbot returns to his family estate following the death of his brother to find that things are about to get a bit hairy, especially around the time of the full moon. Cue heaving bosoms, revolting townspeople, gypsy curses and breathless chase sequences through misty forests.
TM Rating: This week’s movie has a decent bite to it. A remake of the classic Wolfman movie from the 1940s updated for a modern audience. Behind the gore and lashings of blood, which detract rather than add to the tale, is a tragic love story.
6/10 – Looks good enough to eat – but don’t watch it when the moon is full.
Screening Times: 5.40pm daily.
Tickets: €6.50 Buy Your Tickets Here
That’s it, the main carnivals on Tenerife are over for another year and all I’ve got left to show for it is a face that’s still slightly blue from an over enthusiastic application of face paint, an exhausted body and a whole load of photographs, many of which are probably too risqué to include here.
If you were unlucky enough to miss out on carnaval on Tenerife this year, here’s a brief selection of images to give you a flavour of the fun. In the interest of decency I’ve omitted any shots of the numerous fake genitals that were thrust my way over the course of the week – at least I think they were fake.
A contestant in the outrageous Mascarita Ponte Tacón (High Heels Marathon) in Puerto de la Cruz – either that or a swallow who’s wandered up from the beach. Presumably the rubber ring was to save him from drowning in the gallons of beer that the contestants downed before taking part in the race.
Amongst the hordes of men dressed as women at carnaval there were actually some real women as well. This girl just looked enchanting and represented the more elegant face of carnaval.
…whereas I’m not sure you could say the same for this girl. This is what carnaval is all about – an overdose of outrageous imagination. Expect Madonna to be sporting this look on her next tour.
But no matter how hard the ‘ladymen’ try, they can’t overshadow the carnaval queens. A carnaval dame with a smile bright enough to chase away the storm clouds.
The beauty of carnaval is that it’s for everyone – from grannies in costumes which border on indecent exposure to tiny tots desperately trying to remember their dance moves. Cue lots of cute moments.
Carnaval wouldn’t be carnaval without a healthy dose of South American Latino spirit which means tribal drum beats and flamboyant dancers galore. Viva Carnaval – I can’t wait for next year’s.
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kristen Davies
Plot: Four couples, each experiencing issues of one sort or another, book into a luxury tropical paradise resort to try to put some spark back into their relationships. Fun, fireworks and outrageous situations follow…or at least they’re supposed to.
TM Rating: If you’re looking for some undemanding viewing, or are a Vince Vaughn fan, then Couples Retreat might be okay for passing a pleasant couple of hours. For everyone else, Gran Sur’s English language offering this week is an unoriginal and not particularly funny rom-com.
You have to think of ‘carnaval’ as a bit like Quentin Tarantino’s movie Pulp Fiction. The last scene in that movie was of John Travolta and Samuel Jackson walking, with frostbite-inducing coolness, out of a diner…but that wasn’t actually the end of the story. In chronological terms that scene really took place half-way through the film.
Similarly Santa Cruz holds its closing parade (Coso Apoteosis) today, but don’t pack away those fishnets and false boobs yet because it’s not the end of Carnaval. There are another five days of wild street parties and outrageous fun to enjoy at the island’s biggest celebrations in Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz.
If you’ve never been before here are some essential tips worth knowing before taking the plunge into the hedonistic and bizarre waters of a carnival street party.
Street Party Preparation
Wrap a boa around your neck (I meant a feather one, but a constrictor would definitely have more impact) and stick a sparkly cowboy hat on your head and you’ll immediately feel part of carnaval. With a bit of creative thinking you can blast straight into the equivalent of carnaval’s premiership – when people want to have their photo taken with you. Face paint is ideal for achieving unique results. Think topical movies for an eye-catching look. At last night’s street party in Puerto a quartet decked out as N’avi from the movie Avatar were the stand-out costumes of the night.
When to Arrive
Don’t turn up at a street party much before midnight – even that’s a bit early. Street parties don’t hit their stride till between 1am and 2am. If you’re like me it can take superhuman effort to start getting into fancy dress at 11pm – last night it was touch and go. Going out to party at midnight on a Monday night just seemed to go against the grain. But once you arrive in the middle of carnaval’s in-yer-face-assault of colour, noise and ‘is that a he, or is that a she?’ costumes, time is banished to another dimension.
What to Drink
Surprisingly drink is very cheap from street kiosks at carnival. Cañas (glasses of beer) are usually €1 and combinados (spirit and mixer) around €3.50. It’s easy to get completely caught up in the carnaval spirit. A bit of pacing is advisable if you want to last the course as spirit measures are seriously potent. A couple of years ago a friend matched our beer-drinking glass for glass with vodka and tonic combinados . After about an hour and a half we could have poured her into a glass – for her the carnaval was well and truly over.
What to Expect
Street parties are loud, brash and seriously addictive fun. They are also a people-watcher’s Nirvana. At their zenith, around 3am, they can feel as though the whole world has put on fancy dress and joined the party.
Last night I was jostled, bumped, flashed at, hugged and kissed by all manner of odd looking creatures which shared one thing in common…they all had big beaming smiles splitting their surreal features. Watch out for hobbit-sized teenage Canarian girls who barge through the crowds at elbow level like Tasmanian Devils – they’re the biggest threat to the drink in your hand.
…And Finally – What Time do the Street Parties End?
Officially the music is supposed to stop at around 5am during the week and 6am at weekends, but that doesn’t mean the party stops. I usually drag myself away from the multi-coloured madness somewhere between 4am and 5am. But I’ve known friends reluctantly stagger out of popular carnaval bars at 8am – clearly I’m only a lightweight.
Think Tenerife is full of cheap and cheerful bars and restaurants serving bog standard Brit food? Think again. There are plenty of stylish contemporary, romantically rustic and historically atmospheric eateries in which to enjoy a special Valentine’s Day dinner with your soul mate.
1: Las Rocas – Costa Adeje
A tropical paradise venue on a terrace perched above the ocean. The place for a romantic meal bathed in the warm golden rays of the sun setting behind La Gomera. Tel: (+34) 922 746 000
2: La Cuadra de San Diego – La Matanza
Take the courtyard of a 400 year old mansion, add a drago tree and a mouth-watering menu and hey presto – a wonderfully atmospheric setting for a romantic Valentine’s meal. Tel: (+34) 922 578 385
3: La Voile Blanche – La Caleta
Contemporary restaurant with exquisite décor in lovely little La Caleta. The presentation of the food is so imaginative that it’s difficult to say whether it looks better on a plate, or hanging in an art gallery. Tel: (+34) 922 775 829
4: Los Roques – Los Abrigos
Style, sophistication and delicious looking and tasting cuisine beside Los Abrigos’ small harbour – for lovers who like the exhilarating smell of the sea served as an accompaniment to their meal. Tel: (+34) 922 749 401
5: El Pimentón – Arico
Tucked away in one of Tenerife’s most delightful ‘secret’ plazas in Arico Nuevo, El Pimentón’s warm, welcoming and intimate dining room is perfect for couples who want to get cosy far from the madding crowd. Tel: (+34) 922 768 486
6: Casa Pache – Puerto de la Cruz
Located in the delightfully named and plant-lined ‘Street of Truth’, Casa Pache has lots of eclectically decorated little rooms in which to share culinary treasures with someone special. Tel: (+34) 922 389 031
7: La Baranda – El Sauzal
A museum might not sound like the most romantic location for dinner, but La Baranda just happens to be set in a 17th century hacienda…and it’s a wine museum anyway. Where better to eat drink and be very, very merry? Tel: (+34) 922 563 886
8: La Tasquita de Nino – San Miguel de Abona
Beautiful polished wood and an exquisite mezzanine dining area make this former post office and cantina in an 18th century townhouse a lovely spot for a tête à tête dining experience Tel: (+34) 922 700 463
9: El Monasterio – Los Realejos
Where better to revel in a sinful dining experience than a beautifully restored monastery? With a choice of restaurants on a volcanic cone overlooking the La Orotava Valley, this is one of the most stunning restaurants on Tenerife. There are even extensive gardens; perfect for an after dinner stroll hand in hand with the one you love. Tel: (+34) 922 343 311
10: La Bodeguita de Enfrente – Santa Ursula
The saying ‘size doesn’t matter’ applies perfectly to this gem of a place. Intimate in the extreme and a treasure trove in which to share some of the most delicious tapas going. Tel: (+34) 922 302 760
Tenerife’s first tourist resort, Puerto de la Cruz, doesn’t attract as many British visitors as the newer southern resorts these days. But the town which was so popular with explorers and Victorian travellers is still a favourite with other European visitors and the mainland Spanish who descend in their thousands during summer months. For those wanting a healthy dose of Canarian Culture served with their sunshine, it’s a hard place to beat.
Sunset over Taoro
The former casino and hotel frequented by Winston Churchill and Agatha Christie looks straight out of the British Raj in India as the sun descends westward. Sadly unused at the moment, some local politicians want it turned into a Parador. Sounds like a winning idea to me.
Left a Bit…Right a Bit…
Puerto’s harbour beach may attract local sunseekers, but early morning, fishing is the main business. In true Tenerife style when any maintenance of boats or nets is required it invariably involves one person actually doing the work and twenty others advising.
Look out Behind You
It’s true what they say about Puerto de la Cruz, it’s a lot wetter than the south of Tenerife. This picture proves it – I mean look at that downpour. And as for that blue stuff in the sky, god knows what that is. Lago Martiánez – the place to cool down in Puerto, but watch out for that fountain, it comes back to earth like golf ball sized hailstones on your head.
Fairies’ Stepping Stones
The Botanical Gardens in the La Paz area of Puerto de la Cruz are an enchanted paradise with magical corners, lily ponds and plants which look as though they belong in Jurassic Park; just check out the mutant strelitzias (bird of paradise plants) the size of palm trees. The lily pond is a spot to inspire poets: ‘There was a young man from La Paz, who slipped and fell on his…’ err, maybe not.
Puerto’s Water Park
Who needs a multi-million dollar water park when you’ve got a harbour? This is where much of Puerto’s water based activities take place such as sunbathing, fishing, swimming, diving in from the harbour walls and…washing goats. Surfing is a bit of a non-starter though unless, like the guy in the picture, you happen to have an oar with you.
Golden Throne
Puerto de la Cruz was once known as ‘the golden port’ and this is why. When the sun heads to bed it sends its rays straight into the town’s heart, turning the walls of its old buildings, like the customs house in the picture, golden. This liquid light is a photographer’s dream.
It’s the start of a new year. Traditional Tinerfeño rainbow-coloured skirts are being ruffled, horses harnessed up and batucada drums beaten. The fiestas are about to start coming thick and fast and if you don’t want to miss out on Tenerife’s most exuberant, colourful and occasionally mind-boggling parties it’s worth taking note of Tenerife Magazine’s guide to the top ten fiestas on Tenerife.
1: Carnaval on Tenerife
It’s big, brash, over the top fun and it’s the ideal time for any closet transvestites to take to the streets in their wife’s slinkiest little black number without giving their secret away. Actually, this is the time when you look odd if you’re not cross-dressing. It’s a hedonistic week of parades and tripping the light fantastic at all-night street parties; if you’re still alive at the end, you haven’t fully embraced Carnaval. (Best Locations: Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz; between 12th and 21st February)
2: Semana Santa
The complete opposite to carnival, Semana Santa (Easter Week) is a solemn, emotional affair. Silent processions of religious brotherhoods dressed in pointed hooded cloaks add poignancy to historic streets. The fact that their cloaks resemble those of the Ku Klux Clan only adds to a slightly unsettling, but unforgettable experience. (Best Location: La Laguna; Good Friday, 2nd April)
3: Fiestas of the Cross
Crosses all over the island are beautifully decorated, but the real action takes place in the air for this fiesta. It’s claimed that Europe’s biggest firework display, lasting three hours, takes place at Los Realejos. It does go on for three hours, but there’s a bit of poetic license about how long the actual firework displays last. Whatever the reality, it’s still a spectacular show. (Best Location – Los Realejos; 3rd May)
4: Corpus Christi
It’s flower-power time on Tenerife as the streets of La Orotava are filled with ornate and colourful floral carpets. Tenerife’s most beautiful looking and smelling fiesta attracts people from all over the world and is a spectacle not to be missed. The pièce de résistance is the immense sand tapestry in front of the town hall, the biggest of its kind in the world. This work of art is created using only sand and soil from the Mount Teide crater, which will blow you away… if the wind doesn’t blow it away first. (Best Location – La Orotava; 3rd June)
5: Night of San Juan
Magical midsummer is the time for all sorts of mystical shenanigans. You can either head into the hills and jump over fires for good luck (the good luck comes from not being barbecued in the process). Alternatively, the more chilled-out option involves drinking and eating on the beach to the sound of live bands until midnight. Then it’s time to strip off and take to the midsummer water which is supposed to have magical healing powers.
(Best locations – San Andrés and Puerto de la Cruz; 23rd June)
6: Virgen del Carmen
The fishermen’s fiesta takes place in fishing communities all over the island in mid July. It’s an excuse for a day of partying and fun involving lots of water before statues of the Virgen are loaded onto fishing boats and taken for a mini cruise. In bigger towns it can be boisterous fun, not for the faint hearted and ends up resembling one massive wet t-shirt competition (okay, I bet some people have suddenly developed an interest in the island’s traditions). (Best locations – all over Tenerife; around the 16th July)
7: Romerías
These colourful harvest processions involving elaborately decorated carts drawn by oxen take place throughout the year, but one of the nicest takes place in one of Tenerife’s most picturesque towns, Garachico. It’s an overdose of traditional music, costumes, cowpats and – get this – free food and wine. (Best location – Garachico; 16th August)
8: Hearts of Tejina
One of the smaller fiestas in a place way off the beaten track just happens to be one of the most bizarre. Giant hearts are constructed from fruits, vegetables and pastry and paraded through the streets to the sounds of verbal abuse from rival ‘heart’ carriers. This tops the odd category. (Location – Tejina, La Laguna; Sunday closest to 24th August)
9: San Andrés
The patron saint of Scotland set an example which has been re-enacted many times over; arrive on the island, get bladdered and pass out. Nowadays the fiesta dedicated to him is an excuse to partake of some new wine and, depending on its potency, maybe slide down a steep hill on a steel tray. (Best locations – Icod de los Vinos & Puerto de la Cruz; 29th November)
10: New Year
Other people might include the Tres Reyes parades, but the Nochevieja (New Year) celebrations on Tenerife are as good as any you’ll find anywhere else in the world. Spectacular firework displays, street parties with thousands of people in evening dresses and DJs sexily salsa-ing till dawn make it a night, and probably a hangover, to remember (Best locations – all over Tenerife; 31st December)
Have you ever noticed that there’s something missing from Tenerife’s countryside? Drive along winding lanes backed by eye-catching landscapes and a nagging voice whispers that there’s something incomplete about the scenes of neatly tended terraces and sweeping valleys. It takes a while for the penny to drop; there are no farm animals, nada, not one. No pigs, no sheep, no cows. You might spot the occasional herd of goats but apart from that the hills are devoid of moos, baas and oinks.
With this in mind, it’ll come as somewhat of a surprise to anyone venturing to Buenavista del Norte or San Antonio in La Matanza on Sunday 24th January to discover that a couple of wayward arks seem to have dumped their cargo in the streets of both towns.
That's what you call a pampered pooch
This is the biggest day of the year in Tenerife’s animal world. The Fiestas of San Antonio Abad, patron saint of the animal kingdom, involve hundreds of oxen, horses, goats, sheep, donkeys and hunting dogs taking to the streets to party. Okay, maybe ‘to party’ is a bit misleading; they’re there to be haggled over, prodded, bought and sold, but many end up with pretty rosettes and shiny cups, so that’s nice for them.
The atmosphere and format of the celebrations are much the same in both La Matanza and Buenavista del Norte. During San Abad these agricultural strongholds feel like a frontier land where caballeros (horesemen) race noisily through the streets; it’s a notion further fuelled by the sight of horses tied cowboy-style outside bars. For anyone whose experience of Tenerife is limited to sun-kissed beaches, it must be like stepping through a portal into a parallel universe.
Men in scarlet and black waistcoats and felt hats lean lazily on long poles with steel tips, removing chunky cigars from their mouths only to remark on the oxen, goats, donkeys, horses and hunting dogs tethered in the agricultural steel pens in front of them. It’s an aspect of Tenerife which has remained untouched by tourism and visitors to the island are still rare beasts at the San Abad celebrations.
Whilst the sight of traditional livestock is interesting in itself, it’s what’s to be found around the fringe that contributes the more unusual scenes. Terrapins in tupperware, rabbits with bows, ferrets, snake-clad girls and dogs in traditional Canarian costume are so commonplace that they hardly raise an eyebrow amongst seasoned San Abad fiesta-goers. Last year’s most surreal sight at Buenavista was a four-foot iguana squaring up to two Churchillian bulldogs. After that, the man with a green parrot on his shoulder leading a Shetland pony carrying a Yorkshire terrier in a wicker basket seemed almost ordinary.
Like many of the island’s fiestas, San Abad is a delicious assault on the senses. Makeshift restaurants, guachinches, send out aromas with one mission – to grab your nose’s attention and drag you against your will to the source and usually some irresistible spicy pork pinchos (kebabs). Ears are serenaded by flute and drum melodies from El Hierro accompanied by dancers swirling hypnotically in time to the strangely haunting beat. It’s a noisy, bustling and captivating affair which wins out over many of Tenerife’s other fiestas in that, although there is a prize-giving parade at the end of the afternoon, most of the day doesn’t involve standing around waiting for something to happen.
The most enjoyment is derived from simply wandering streets decorated by palm fronds and harvest baskets, soaking up the atmosphere and surreal spectacle of the animal’s fiesta - providing you can avoid being completely distracted by trying to figure out where all these animals are kept hidden during the rest of the year.
Starring : Anthony Hopkins, Benicio del Toro, Hugo Weaving
Lawrence Talbot returns to his family estate following the death of his brother to find that things are about to get a bit hairy, especially around the time of the full moon.
Loading ...