Imagine Easter without eggs, Christmas without turkey and bank holidays without transport strikes, it’s just not right. Arona council has done worse than that, this years Los Cristianos Carnaval will be without a sardine funeral. The council have shot themselves in the fin by refusing permission for the traditional riotous end of Carnaval, due, they say, to the financial crisis.

Vecinos de los Cristianos, the neighbourhood association are furious. Tourism times are hard and the mock funeral parade to the beach, complete with cross dressing wailing widows, comedy clergymen and the huge papier mache sardine, is one of the biggest crowd pullers of the year.

The bad news almost went unnoticed, the official Carnaval programme and posters only hit the streets a few days ago and bear the dates 5 March to 14 March. Many publicity outlets assumed that Monday 15 March had just been missed off, after all the funeral follows the Sunday Coso parade like night follows day and always has done.

The sardine funeral is often referred to as a burial but ends with the sardine being cremated on the beach amid a cascade of fireworks. The whole thing started as a rebellious two fingers to the Catholic church following Lent. During the Lent period meat eating was always banned by the church, but they turned a blind eye to their wealthy friends and benefactors indulgencies, leaving the poor people to forage for sardines.

In the back waters of Los Cristianos feverish plans are being made.  I have an inside source, for the purposes of secrecy and outrageous mystique lets call him John West, he insists that a rebel sardine will appear on Monday night. That might cause quite a stink, police co-operation would normally be needed to close roads and clear parked cars on the route from the cultural centre to the beach. All this is against a backdrop of proposed industrial action by the Arona Policia Local, which has twice been headed off at the last minute in recent weeks.

It would be shocking if this slice of history was sunk without a trace, Tenerife Magazine will be throwing fishnets over the Los Cristianos area on Monday night, ready for a big fish or a tin of tuna. One thing is for sure, this year fins ain’t what they used to be.

After leaving Clonkeen College in Dublin, Ireland Brendan joined a merchant bank and was on track to complete a career in banking, but like most things in life fate kicked in and his career path was changed. Whilst at the bank he was asked one day if he would be interested in showing a group of wealthy American tourists round some of the better Golf courses on behalf of the Irish tourist board as they had just started “Golf Ireland”, a new initiative to bring American golfers to Ireland. Brendan, a good golfer as a young man playing off low single figures, jumped at the idea. It was a chance to play some of the best courses and get paid for it; little did they know this would change the path of his future career.

The trips were a great success and within a few years Brendan was offered a senior position with a newly founded company to represent Canadian & American golf tour operators in Ireland and the company went from strength to strength. Then disaster struck – Lockerbie and the American bombing in Libya in 1997. After this occurrence the tap was effectively turned off as American and Canadian golfers decided it was safer to stay within their own boundaries rather than travel to Europe. The company which managed to survive the crisis still continues today but Brendan decided to leave in those dark days to find pastures new.

Tenerife was the next stop on Brendan’s career as the new Sales and Marketing Manager for a new real estate development on Golf Del Sur called Sunningdale. Brendan said “I spent 7 years there and settled down into local life and of coarse learned to be fluent in the Spanish language”. Next, the neighbouring complex Las Adelfas subsequently lured Brendan to work as General Manager of their Tenerife operation for a period of 9 years.

La Gomera, the picturesque island off the coast of Tenerife, was the next stop on his career ladder going to work with Fred Olsen at the Jardín Tecina Hotel and Golf Course as Sales Director. He spent two years there in a job he loved, but its a small island and I’m sure island fever got to him and he returned to the mainland of Tenerife this time as Sales and Marketing director of one of the most exclusive 5* hotels in the Canary Islands, Hotel Las Madrigueras. The Hotel Las Madrigueras is a small luxurious golf hotel overlooking Golf Las Américas golf course.

That brings us to his present position as Commercial Director of Golf Las Americas golf course, a stunning 18 hole golf facility in the south of Tenerife, with an attached newly purpose built conference centre. Golf Las Américas is one of the best and busiest courses on the island of Tenerife with all the modern facilities you would expect at such a prestigious establishment. Apart from the day to day running Brendan has to deal with the tour operators and hotel groups who send customers to the course, also in the promotion of the groups business interests both here in Tenerife and abroad attending the many golf fairs and Expos throughout Europe and beyond.

He is also heavily involved with the Tenerife Golf Association which promotes all of the island’s golf courses and runs the premier golf tournament every year called Tenerife and La Gomera Golf Circuit. Since Brendan has started at the course he has already got to work by assisting in the introduction of a new web site, also linking into the social media of Twitter and Face book. I am sure customers will see the benefits as they visit Las Américas Golf Course in the future. One such benefit, which I revealed, is the total closure of the golf course for two months in the summer to relay all 18 greens and practice facilities with a fantastic new grass.

Brendan mentioned as I was leaving that a great inspiration in his life has been the cyclist Lance Armstrong, whom he has met on several occasions. Lance brought the whole cycling team Astana to Tenerife as a winter training camp, staying of course at The Hotel Madrigueras. Lance Armstrong, a cancer survivor himself, founded a charity in 1997 called The Lance Armstrong Foundation. This foundation and its founder mean a lot to Brendan.

There is more to come from this man in his new position and I look forward to seeing it.

Hands up who was aware that there is an S&M (that’s sadists & masochists for the innocents amongst you) gathering in Puerto de la Cruz in March.

The masochists are the competitors in the Canaries Infinity Xtreme race which takes place in the car park beside the harbour on Saturday 13th March and the sadists are everyone who turns up to watch people willingly put themselves through hell.

For one day the car park is turned into a sort of SAS version of It’s a Knockout where competitors push their bodies to the limit. The course involves running 10 kilometres and tackling 15 obstacles which include foam and water filled containers, fields of rubber tyres, mud slides and concrete tunnels…and all within two hours.

By the time runners reach the finishing line (those who manage to survive the course that is) sopping wet, covered in foam, bruised, battered and exhausted, every energy-sapping obstacle is clearly etched into faces which veer between painful grimaces and beaming smiles filled with pride…and a lot of relief that their personal endurance test is finally over.

Anyone out there who fancies finding out if they’ve got what it takes to complete Tenerife’s most extreme race can find out more information at WWW.CANARIASINFINITYXTREME.COM

However, if you’re like me and prefer to watch others slip, trip and tumble in the name of entertainment and charity (part of the registration fees are donated to the María García Foundation) the race begins at 4.30pm, but the fun starts much earlier at 10am with aerobic displays, kangoo jumps, Xtreme biking and all sorts of jackass type activities.

Do not forget to bring your camera.

Blimey, someone’s been busy with the polish, that was my first thought as I entered the motor pool clutching my newly acquired three euro ticket. Spread out before me was a dazzling array of 200 cars and 50 motorbikes each with a story to tell of a bygone age of happy motoring. Not being an expert by any means, and with few of the exhibits identified by name or history, feel free to check the accuracy of my research as I introduce you to a few famous names.

Let’s start with something smooth and stylish, the Packard Eight 443 Sedan ((top pic), made in America in 1928, I felt guilty for just breathing by it. The eight cylinders purr under that creamy veneer, a real style icon but one of the most expensive of it’s day at 4,250 dollars. I promised you bikes, and what a cool sturdy number the Ducati 200 Elite (just above) is. Built in 1962, the 204 cc steel framed steed is surprisingly unthirsty at 70 miles to the gallon.

The motors on display also give an insight into their heydays. Take the Willys Overland Whippet Six (yes I know it sounds like a soul group). It was built in Toledo, Ohio in 1927 and its low price made it popular with students, hence the often used name, Collegiate Roadster (top pic above) . The car soon found keen owners abroad, this Model  93 A was originally owned by  Fyffe’s LTD, the family that introduced bananas to the Canary Islands. Some cars were just beyond me, this burgundy beauty is a Brevette (just above), I may have failed to unlock its history but I was still very taken by its sheer neatness of design.

Time to wave the flag for old blighty, the 1928 Willys Overland  Manchester (just below) came from the same U.S kennel as the Whippet but was shipped in kit form to Heaton Chapel, where it was assembled and took the local city name. Or how about the great Austin Healey 3000 Mark 3 (bottom below)  a real bit of British team work. The 1963  bodywork was made by Jenson Motors in West Bromwich and later assembled at BMC in Abingdon, better known as the home of the MG.

That just gives you a taste of the treats on offer at Autoepoca, hurry though, you only have a few days. The show continues to Sunday 7 March, from 11am to 9pm daily, and all for a measly three euros entry. There’s plenty of parking, it’s easy to find on the coast road (Avenida de la Constitucion) into Santa Cruz, and they even have a café and bar.

Perched on top of a fast food joint and a pole dancing bar, The Living Room has been a beacon of hope for seven years. Aimed at the 18 to 30 crowd, it stretches out a hand to those that have succumbed to the excesses of drink and drugs. Toni came from a rough area in Birmingham, having dabbled in the rave scene and its related drugs. “I came to Tenerife for a holiday and found bar work, I hadn’t really drunk much before but I was soon binge drinking. Most mornings I didn’t know how I had got home, it was cheap nights out as most bars knew me and I got offered free shots and drinks.”

It took the death of a friend to shock her into seeking help. “A friend of mine was barred from the bar I worked in and a few hours later he overdosed on drugs and died. I was in a mess and started praying in desperation, and then I was put in touch with Lee who runs The Living Room. He helped with funeral arrangements and through him and the Breakfree Ministries I found God and feel happy with myself at last. I have been clean for over two years and I’m training to help other addicts.”

Lee Mountford helped to set up The Living Room; from an idea in 2000, through desperate fund raising and hard work, to converting the former bar and grill into the drop-in centre it is now. The sign above the building clearly identifies it as a Christian centre but Lee stresses that although they live by Christian values, it’s not a message that is rammed home by the seven full and part time staff. “We try to offer respect, love, help and not judge people. I came over here to work as a PR (enticing customers into bars) but lost the plot; the church saved me and now I try to do the same for others.”

The Living Room only opens from 4pm to 7pm Tuesday to Friday but they also go out into the local night time community. “Three of us volunteer to mingle with people in Veronicas, Starco and The Patch three nights a week from 11pm to 4am, we get to know people and hopefully they learn to trust us and can come to us with their problems. We can put people in touch with other helpful groups such as the Amigo de Lourdes drug rehab centre in Abades.”

Steve, a former heroin addict, is now able to draw on his horrific experiences to guide others in a new direction. “ I left Bolton and travelled a lot before settling in Tenerife. I used cheap alcohol to replace the heroin rush and after working here in timeshare, I lost my job and apartment and ended up sleeping in boarded up shops in Puerto Colon.”

Luckily for Steve, Toni came across him and got him into the Abades centre and then involved with The Living Room. “ It’s crazy; at the height of my problems I was paying money I didn’t have to try to feel as content as I am now. But I couldn’t see any hope at the time.”

The recession and crash in tourist visitors has seen an increase in homelessness but Steve can offer some temporary hope. “There is the Alberg hostel in Taco, Santa Cruz that will take people in.” Lee knows how easy it is to get to that level. “Some people come to Tenerife to escape problems they already have, and others fall for a combination of drink, drugs, sex, lack of decent food, working strange hours and no family to support them.” The Living Room doesn’t have all the answers, but their staff have experienced the problems, and can at least point people in the right direction.

We’ve been battered by hurricane xynthia and saturated by monsoon rains and in between we’ve had the warmest winter since the 1920s. The press have labelled it ‘the winter of storms’ and Tenerife’s weather has had more news coverage in the rest of the world than our camera shy little rock in the Atlantic is used to.
But I awoke on Sunday morning to the ‘hoop, hoop’ song of the hoopoe bird newly returned from his over-winter in Africa and my thoughts turned to long, lazy mornings over a pot of tea and the Sunday supplements in one of Tenerife’s park cafes.

So, in the fervent expectation that the wild extremes of winter are now safely behind us (was that a clap of thunder I just heard?), here at Tenerife Magazine we thought we’d join the hoopoe and trumpet the imminent arrival of spring with our guide to the best places to enjoy a cup of tea in the company of nature’s bounty.

Parque Los Lavaderos (Avenida Los Angeles, El Sauzal; open 08.00-19.00 in winter, 08.00-21.00 in summer; admission free)
Los Lavaderos clings to the side of the cliff in a series of terraces which lead down to the natural springs of a former laundry, with stunning views of Mount Teide and the lush north coastline. Quirky garden follies and giant structural plants characterise the landscape set around the Chocolaté café which serves speciality teas and bite-sized snacks in a deliciously bohemian setting.
Go now and you’ll get the perfumed benefit of the wall of jasmine right below the café.

Risco Bello (Parque Taoro, Puerto de la Cruz; open every day from 09.30 – 18.00; entrance free to café, €4 to water gardens)
Set alongside the gardens of the iconic former hotel and casino of Taoro, these decadent water gardens are Puerto’s version of ‘Through the Looking Glass’. Paths, steps and bridges weave their way through green tunnels to emerge at Monet-style lily ponds and hidden lakes set with cascading falls. Charming and intriguing in equal measure. Alongside the duck pond on a tranquil lawn where weeping willow trees bend to kiss the waterside is a small café with tea, sandwiches and a time warp to the 1950s.

Parque García Sanabria. (Rambla General Franco, Santa Cruz; admission free)
Set in the heart of Santa Cruz and known as ‘the lungs of the city’, Parque García Sanabria is an open air art gallery set amongst tropical landscaped gardens where Santacruceros come to relax and to play. Strolling through its 67,000 square metres of botanical gardens, you’ll encounter the bare bosoms of ‘Fecundidad’ and the green eyes of ‘The Cat’ amongst its many treasures. Head to the constantly changing floral clock on Calle de Méndez Núñez for the Gaudi-esque décor of its pavement café.

Sitio Litre (Camino Sitio Litre, Puerto de la Cruz; open every day from 09.30-17.00 (18.00 in summer); entrance €4.75)
Patronised in its time by such luminaries as Agatha Christie, William Wilde (Oscar’s dad), the explorers Richard Burton and Alexander Von Humboldt and the botanical artist Marianne North, you may consider ordering Earl Grey at the café outside the mansion in Sitio Litre. Tenerife’s oldest surviving gardens, Sitio Litre also boast an impressive orchid collection and a 300 year old Drago Tree; don’t forget to crook your pinkie for this one.

Ask anyone to name three blockbuster movies filmed on Tenerife and the chances are that they’ll reel off Star Wars, Planet of the Apes and Clash of the Titans.
It’s a pretty impressive pedigree apart from one little fact…only one of them was actually filmed on Tenerife.

Who knows which creative tour guide started the story about Star Wars and Planet of the Apes? Clearly it was Tenerife’s equivalent of Slumdog Millionaire’s Jamal showing tourists around the Taj Mahal.
No doubt he, or she, also told visitors that Las Américas was named after Richard Burton and Liz Taylor and that the first astronauts to stand on the moon trained on Mount Teide – other popular Tenerife myths.

The fact that Star Wars and Planet of the Apes weren’t filmed on Tenerife might come as a bit of a surprise, but what’s a bigger shock is that no major mainstream movies have been filmed on Tenerife since Raquel Welch slipped into a goatskin bikini (a nice authentic Guanche touch) and strutted her stuff in front of some decidedly rubbery looking dinosaurs in One Million Years B.C. (maybe that should now be B.C.G.I.) back in 1967.

Since then there have been other movies filmed here that most of us of a certain age will have heard of, such as The Land That Time Forgot and Journey to the Centre of the Earth (the 1976 Doug McClure version, not the Brendan Fraser 3D version from a couple of years ago), but there’s been nothing to set the box office alight.

Parts of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy were filmed on Tenerife in 2005 at Loro Parque, but despite that film being an adaptation of the cult novel which, when I was a teen, every geek at school could quote to death, it still wasn’t in the same league as Star Wars.

European filmmakers have long since cottoned on to the wonderful cinematic qualities of Tenerife’s epic landscape ever since the silent movie El Caíd was shot here in 1926. ‘C’ list actors such as The Good, The Bad & The Ugly’s Lee Van Cleef and Reservoir Dogs‘ sadistic Mr Blonde, Michael Madsen have starred in instantly forgettable Euro-Anglo productions shot on Tenerife. But the Hollywood big boys pretty much shunned this filmmakers’ paradise until a local boy, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (director of 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to 28 Days Later) made a truly original movie which made them sit up and take notice of Tenerife.

Intacto earned rave critical worldwide acclaim when it was released in 2003. Its tale of four people who can absorb the good luck of those around them, taking part in a life or death competition to discover who’s the luckiest of them used Tenerife’s gorgeous scenery to stunning effect. One classic scene involved blindfolded competitors running helter skelter through the pine forests. With scenes also shot at Taganana, Masca and Las Cañadas del Teide, filmmakers were exposed to a Tenerife many didn’t know existed.

And now, thanks to Intacto’s impact, we have a true Hollywood blockbuster about to launch Tenerife onto a more mainstream world stage on Friday 2nd April when Clash of the Titans in 3D is released in the UK and USA.

We don’t know yet whether the mythological tale of men clashing swords with gods and monsters will actually be any good, but with Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and rising star Sam Worthington as hero Perseus, it’s got a quality cast; the latest trailer is pretty damn exciting and last, but not least it’s got a secret weapon that most other movies don’t have…Tenerife’s unique scenery.

Get ready people, it’s almost time for the titans to clash.