We’ve been battered by hurricane xynthia and saturated by monsoon rains and in between we’ve had the warmest winter since the 1920s. The press have labelled it ‘the winter of storms’ and Tenerife’s weather has had more news coverage in the rest of the world than our camera shy little rock in the Atlantic is used to.
But I awoke on Sunday morning to the ‘hoop, hoop’ song of the hoopoe bird newly returned from his over-winter in Africa and my thoughts turned to long, lazy mornings over a pot of tea and the Sunday supplements in one of Tenerife’s park cafes.

So, in the fervent expectation that the wild extremes of winter are now safely behind us (was that a clap of thunder I just heard?), here at Tenerife Magazine we thought we’d join the hoopoe and trumpet the imminent arrival of spring with our guide to the best places to enjoy a cup of tea in the company of nature’s bounty.

Parque Los Lavaderos (Avenida Los Angeles, El Sauzal; open 08.00-19.00 in winter, 08.00-21.00 in summer; admission free)
Los Lavaderos clings to the side of the cliff in a series of terraces which lead down to the natural springs of a former laundry, with stunning views of Mount Teide and the lush north coastline. Quirky garden follies and giant structural plants characterise the landscape set around the Chocolaté café which serves speciality teas and bite-sized snacks in a deliciously bohemian setting.
Go now and you’ll get the perfumed benefit of the wall of jasmine right below the café.

Risco Bello (Parque Taoro, Puerto de la Cruz; open every day from 09.30 – 18.00; entrance free to café, €4 to water gardens)
Set alongside the gardens of the iconic former hotel and casino of Taoro, these decadent water gardens are Puerto’s version of ‘Through the Looking Glass’. Paths, steps and bridges weave their way through green tunnels to emerge at Monet-style lily ponds and hidden lakes set with cascading falls. Charming and intriguing in equal measure. Alongside the duck pond on a tranquil lawn where weeping willow trees bend to kiss the waterside is a small café with tea, sandwiches and a time warp to the 1950s.

Parque García Sanabria. (Rambla General Franco, Santa Cruz; admission free)
Set in the heart of Santa Cruz and known as ‘the lungs of the city’, Parque García Sanabria is an open air art gallery set amongst tropical landscaped gardens where Santacruceros come to relax and to play. Strolling through its 67,000 square metres of botanical gardens, you’ll encounter the bare bosoms of ‘Fecundidad’ and the green eyes of ‘The Cat’ amongst its many treasures. Head to the constantly changing floral clock on Calle de Méndez Núñez for the Gaudi-esque décor of its pavement café.

Sitio Litre (Camino Sitio Litre, Puerto de la Cruz; open every day from 09.30-17.00 (18.00 in summer); entrance €4.75)
Patronised in its time by such luminaries as Agatha Christie, William Wilde (Oscar’s dad), the explorers Richard Burton and Alexander Von Humboldt and the botanical artist Marianne North, you may consider ordering Earl Grey at the café outside the mansion in Sitio Litre. Tenerife’s oldest surviving gardens, Sitio Litre also boast an impressive orchid collection and a 300 year old Drago Tree; don’t forget to crook your pinkie for this one.

You have to think of ‘carnaval’ as a bit like Quentin Tarantino’s movie Pulp Fiction. The last scene in that movie was of John Travolta and Samuel Jackson walking, with frostbite-inducing coolness, out of a diner…but that wasn’t actually the end of the story. In chronological terms that scene really took place half-way through the film.

Similarly Santa Cruz holds its closing parade (Coso Apoteosis) today, but don’t pack away those fishnets and false boobs yet because it’s not the end of Carnaval. There are another five days of wild street parties and outrageous fun to enjoy at the island’s biggest celebrations in Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz.

If you’ve never been before here are some essential tips worth knowing before taking the plunge into the hedonistic and bizarre waters of a carnival street party.

Street Party Preparation
Wrap a boa around your neck (I meant a feather one, but a constrictor would definitely have more impact) and stick a sparkly cowboy hat on your head and you’ll immediately feel part of carnaval. With a bit of creative thinking you can blast straight into the equivalent of carnaval’s premiership – when people want to have their photo taken with you. Face paint is ideal for achieving unique results. Think topical movies for an eye-catching look. At last night’s street party in Puerto a quartet decked out as N’avi from the movie Avatar were the stand-out costumes of the night.

When to Arrive
Don’t turn up at a street party much before midnight – even that’s a bit early. Street parties don’t hit their stride till between 1am and 2am. If you’re like me it can take superhuman effort to start getting into fancy dress at 11pm – last night it was touch and go. Going out to party at midnight on a Monday night just seemed to go against the grain. But once you arrive in the middle of carnaval’s in-yer-face-assault of colour, noise and ‘is that a he, or is that a she?’ costumes, time is banished to another dimension.

What to Drink
Surprisingly drink is very cheap from street kiosks at carnival. Cañas (glasses of beer) are usually €1 and combinados (spirit and mixer) around €3.50. It’s easy to get completely caught up in the carnaval spirit. A bit of pacing is advisable if you want to last the course as spirit measures are seriously potent. A couple of years ago a friend matched our beer-drinking glass for glass with vodka and tonic combinados . After about an hour and a half we could have poured her into a glass – for her the carnaval was well and truly over.

What to Expect
Street parties are loud, brash and seriously addictive fun. They are also a people-watcher’s Nirvana. At their zenith, around 3am, they can feel as though the whole world has put on fancy dress and joined the party.
Last night I was jostled, bumped, flashed at, hugged and kissed by all manner of odd looking creatures which shared one thing in common…they all had big beaming smiles splitting their surreal features. Watch out for hobbit-sized teenage Canarian girls who barge through the crowds at elbow level like Tasmanian Devils – they’re the biggest threat to the drink in your hand.

…And Finally – What Time do the Street Parties End?
Officially the music is supposed to stop at around 5am during the week and 6am at weekends, but that doesn’t mean the party stops.  I usually drag myself away from the multi-coloured madness somewhere between 4am and 5am. But I’ve known friends reluctantly stagger out of popular carnaval bars at 8am – clearly I’m only a lightweight.

¡Viva La Fiesta!

Title: FG Dixieland Jazz Band
Location: Centro Asturia Bambi, Puerto de la Cruz
Description: Get in the swing with some great music, starts at 8.30pm.
Date: 2010-01-30

Well that’s Christmas over for another year. Your belt buckle needs loosening, your wallet has become a black hole and the only turkey you want to see in the next twelve months is the one where people wear a fez, drink mint tea and beat your bare feet with bats if you try to smuggle hashish.

Except that here in Tenerife it isn’t over. In fact it’s only just begun. In this topsy turvy land, Christmas begins with a big feast on Christmas Eve and ends two weeks later when the Tres Reyes (Three Kings) hit town and children wake up on 6th January to find if they’ve been good enough to warrant any pressies.

The good news for visitors arriving on Tenerife this week is that they get to enjoy two Christmases…and the icing on the Christmas cake is that the second one comes stress-free.

The question is though, where are the best places to partake of some intoxicatingly sparkly Christmas spirit?

Here’s Tenerife Magazine’s photo guide to the four most Christmassy towns on Tenerife

Christmas in Puerto de la Cruz
In fourth place is Puerto de la Cruz. In truth, the Christmas decorations are a little disappointing this year in Tenerife’s first tourist resort. There’s a distinct lack of colour about the town, possibly because the giant wheel at the funfair nicked all the best lightbulbs. However, there’s still enough magic about to bring on some Christmas cheer.

Plaza Europa in front of the town hall: Gold, gold and more gold – clearly the colour theme in Puerto de la Cruz this year.

Thank goodness for the funfair and an injection of much needed colour.

Christmas in La Laguna
In third place is La Laguna. There’s a distinct Dickensian feel to the decorations in La Laguna helped by cobbled streets, historic buildings, Victorian style street lights and vendors selling hot toffee and baked potatoes from little carts.

Plaza del Adelantado, La Laguna: Pretty, if a bit understated.

This is much better: Street vendors and coloured sparkly balls – now we’re getting there.

Christmas in Santa Cruz
In second place is the island’s capital, Santa Cruz. Plaza España is remarkably understated, but the streets between Plaza de la Candelaria and Plaza del Príncipe are enchanting festive grottos featuring trees festooned with multi-coloured twinkling lights. The big bonus in Santa Cruz is that throughout the Christmas period, live music in the streets provides that special finishing touch. At any one time choir singing, jazz and even a Beatles tribute act add a musical soundtrack to the city’s festive scene.

The Circulo de Amistad building knows exactly how to dress for Christmas.

I bet you can’t walk down this street without humming Winter Wonderland – even if you are sweating at the time.

The Noria district: Palm trees and Christmas lights.

Christmas in La Orotava
The classiest town on Tenerife has come up trumps by also having the classiest Christmas decorations. For providing a healthy dose of good old-fashioned Christmas atmosphere, La Orotava wins by a nose. The life-sized belén in front of the town hall is hard to beat, but Plaza de la Constitución manages it with a gingerbread house bandstand, illuminated Christmas parcels and a tree-covered walkway with dripping icicles. A visit to the town is the perfect antidote for eliminating any Scrooge-like tendencies.

A life-size nativity scene outside La Orotava’s Town Hall. Can you get any more Christmassy?

….well, this might just about trump it.

The Iglesia de la Concepción at dusk adds the perfect finishing touch to the nativity scene.

La Montañeta del Fraile (the monk’s hill) is a volcanic cone on the eastern boundary of Los Realejos overlooking La Orotava and Puerto de la Cruz. On the summit, a small white Ermita stands, keeping a lonely vigil over the valley until the 3rd May comes round when locals make the steep walk to its little plaza to celebrate the Fiesta of the Cross.
Only thought to have appeared in the thirteenth century, the little mountain was originally known as La Montañeta de la Luz (the bright hill). But in the eighteenth century one man left his mark on its slopes and his name on its deeds.

The Parable of the Monk
In 1788, the story goes, a Dominican monk named Fray Antonio el Gomero set off on his mule to raise funds for the Convent of Nuestra Señora de Candelaria.  From every bodega he asked if he could fill one of his barrels with grape juice from the recent harvest. From the Guanche tribes he asked for goat kids which he drove back to the north.
Over time, Antonio filled his cellars with good wine and his pastures with healthy goats, all of which he sold for handsome profit to benefit the Convent. For many years, the monk lived on his little mountain and continued to raise funds from his goat and wine business.
When he died in 1811, the locals re-named the hill La Montañeta del Fraile in his honour.

Keeping the Faith
Five generations after Fray Antonio served goat stew and wine to the local parishioners, the finca, walkways, botanical gardens, shrines and courtyards of El Monasterio occupy 100,000 sq metres of La Montañeta del Fraile serving excellent food and wines in its five restaurants.
In deference to its alleged monastic origins, names like ‘El Confesionarío’ (the confessional) and ‘El Convento’ (the convent) are carved onto heavy wooden doors leading to cavernous dining halls and intimate sequestered corners.

All Creatures Great and Small
And it’s not just visitors who enjoy the monastic surroundings.
Peacocks amble along the walkways, displaying their fabulous feathers and putting the flame red bougainvillea temporarily into the shade. Ducks and geese waddle amongst the trees, drinking from the rills or heading back to preen their feathers and float in the duck pond. Hens with long trains of chicks, like ribbons on kites, tic-tac their way through the legs of goats and ponies in the paddocks while cockerels kick up the red, soft earth into a cloud before ushering in another false dawn with their trademark cries.

The monk’s hill is a local landmark and with its Christmas lights sparkling above the valley, it’s a beautifully festive spot to enjoy a glass of wine and drink a toast to Fray Antonio and his goats.

Popular folklore on Tenerife has it that when Saint Andrew arrived on the island to preach the gospel he arrived late, discovered the island’s new wine and, just to be polite, partook of it liberally before giving in to a deep sleep. The story goes that local children tied pots and pans to the disciple’s clothes so that he’d wake up every time he tried to turn over.
Fact or fable, that’s the reason why the eve of San Andrés (29th November) has hordes of children running riot around the cobbled streets of Puerto de la Cruz from about 7pm pulling long trains of string decorated with old tins and bits of metal making an almighty racket.
If it’s raining the whole thing is usually called off, presumably so the little darlings don’t get wet, or rusty or something.

In the run up to San Andrés, Puerto’s harbour is filled with hot braziers roasting the season’s castañas (chestnuts) and serving them up with the new wine produced from local harvests, aniseed bread and succulent, spicy pork kebabs known as pinchos. It’s an aromatic, savoury fiesta and you can start to enjoy it from now until the 30th November.

Just along the road, young lads in Icod de los Vinos celebrate a past Saint Andrew’s day tradition by giving it some Jackass credentials.
In days of yore, wine producers transported their barrels down Icod’s nose-bleed-inducing streets on wooden sleds pulled by oxen and using a long stick which acted as both rudder and brake. Today, Icod’s daredevil teenagers take to greased boards and hurtle at breakneck speed down those same pass-me-my-crampons streets without the aid of brakes at all and plough into huge piles of old tyres, often featuring several feet of airborne anarchy.

If you’d like to witness this madness, head to Icod’s Calle El Plano on the nights of the 29th and the 30th. You’ll know you’re there by the presence of one or more Cruz Roja (ambulance) vehicles, which gives you some idea of the health and safety standards you’re about to NOT witness.
Naturally, the new wines will also be on sale from stalls around the town and should help to steady the nerves… of spectators.

Those of a more nervous disposition may want to stay around the nursery slopes, some of the less steep streets where the juniors learn their trade.