It has always struck me that, for an island which for much of its history has held such a strategically important position on the world trade map, there are precious few castles on Tenerife, save for those that plop out of buckets and have flags stuck in them until the tide comes and washes them away.

You would think that, having fought so hard to take Tenerife from its original inhabitants, the Spanish would have immediately set about shoring up their defences so that no-one else could come along and steal their prize. But it would seem that the blueprint for Tenerife political life was set right back at the end of the fifteenth century when the policy of ‘do nothing’ was first established.

After the discovery of the New World, Tenerife became the gateway to trade between Europe and the Americas bringing her untold wealth and the attentions of every English and French ship sailing the Atlantic under the ensign of a skull and crossbones.

Despite repeated attacks on her major ports throughout the sixteenth century, Tenerife remained incredibly and completely bereft of any form of defence and it wasn’t until the invaders came under threat of invasion themselves that the thoughts of Tenerife’s settlers turned to the issue of strengthening island defences.

In 1513, with nerves on edge over the Spanish war with France, a committee was convened in Santa Cruz to agree a defensive strategy. Suggestions for the construction of a fort were dismissed on the grounds that a military presence may disrupt the ‘socio-economic rhythm’ of trade. The committee disbanded having left the defence of the island to the watchtowers and smoke signals that lined the coast scrutinising for foreign sails anchored beyond shipping routes.
No-one apparently thought to point out that, without fire power, the ability to spot an invasion as it happened was tantamount to selling tickets to your own demise and was probably not the sharpest military strategy ever devised.

Money talks
Economics eventually dictated common sense when, at the end of the 16th century, war impoverished Spain woke up to the fact that her treasury was completely dependant on gold and silver imports which came via Tenerife. Finally, moves were made to shore up that income stream.

Work began on fortifying Tenerife’s lucrative ports, beginning in Santa Cruz with the construction of the Castillo de San Cristóbal in 1575.
Sited in the centre of the bay on what is now Plaza de España, the castle became the centrepiece (and for 60 years the only piece) of the city’s defences.
At the same time, Tenerife’s wealthiest port of Garachico constructed the Castillo de San Miguel and a few years later the moated Castillo San Felipe was constructed in the port of La Orotava, now Puerto de la Cruz.

In 1604 as wine exports grew, the port of Santa Cruz was expanded prompting the need for further defences beginning with the construction of Paso Alto which became the mainstay of the port’s protection against the attempted invasion by Admiral Blake in 1657.

In 1641 the outbreak of the Portuguese revolution sparked further fear of invasion and the Castillo de San Juan Bautista, or the Black Castle as it was known, was constructed.

The addition of the Torre de San Andrés in 1706 made Santa Cruz virtually impregnable and by the time Admiral Nelson attacked the port in 1757 it had the firepower of 84 canon and 7 mortars housed in three castles, two forts, a tower and 12 batteries. What Tenerife lacked in numbers of castles, it made up for in defiant spirit when the Santa Cruz defences held against that attack by Nelson and the proudest day of the island’s military history was born.

What do Britain and Tenerife have in common at this time of year? A dunce’s hat to anyone who suggests the weather. Whilst British children are accidentally whacking each other’s knuckles trying to smash their opponent’s vinegar soaked conkers, it’s also chestnut season on the island of eternal spring.

November is the month of the castaña (chestnut) on Tenerife and whereas in Britain chestnut season means epic conker battles and bruised knuckles, on Tenerife activities have more than a hint of a Charles Dickens’ Christmas about them.

Throughout the month, soldierly rows of iron braziers, blackened by years of service, spring up on cobbled streets and town squares across the north of Tenerife. Mini carbon mountains are fired up and chestnuts collected mainly from the Acentejo region are peeled, scored and slowly roasted in heavy pans that become white with the heat. Their locations are impossible to miss as smoky sentinels weave through the streets enticing victims with aromas full of nostalgic promise.

I’d never been much of a fan of eating chestnuts before moving to Tenerife; my one and only experience being chewy when roasted, frozen ones from the supermarket. However, the first time I tried roasted chestnuts beside the harbour at Puerto de la Cruz served in a paper cone, they were a revelation. Soft, savoury sweet and, accompanied by a cup of robust earthy red wine, they were simply heaven in a poke. Now I’m a big fan and look forward to my annual castaña hit.

Although chestnut month on Tenerife mostly consists of the brazier roasted chestnuts adding a touch of seasonal colour, smell and, if you get close enough, heat to plazas across the island, some municipalities really go to town.

La Victoria de Acentejo celebrates the mes de castaña with a series of events including guided walks through the castaña forest, artisan fairs and musical evenings with chestnut themed tapas. Restaurants in La Victoria add chestnut inspired dishes to their menus and at Tasca Garpa (Carretera General, 205) chestnut aficionados can tuck into fillet steak in a chestnut sauce , whilst La Sabina restaurant (TF5 exit 27) has chestnut tempura on a bed of prawns and langoustines in green curry. A seasonal must in the town is to pick up some chestnut bread from Panadería Santo Domingo (Calle Bubaque, 12).

The culmination of chestnut month is the Fiesta of San Andrés (Saint Andrew) on the 29th November. Scotland’s patron saint has an affinity with the island – same flag, towns named after him and a party to honour his existence even if on Tenerife it’s celebrated a day earlier than in Scotland.

29th November is the day when traditionally the island’s wine cellars open their doors and the season’s new wine is ready to be launched on a thirsty world. It’s also another one of those Tenerife days when uninformed tourists in Puerto de la Cruz are completely bemused by what’s going on around them. At first, tasting wines from the Orotava Valley at the kiosks around the harbour makes it seem like a genteel and sophisticated fiesta…until you step onto the cobbled street and are nearly flattened by runaway washing machines. The arrastre los cacharros are an essential part of proceedings and involves making as much noise as possible with any metal object that comes to hand and if you want to know why read our report from last year.

In the hills celebrations take on a slightly different form. Any town with steep streets will have them commandeered by local youths who careen down them on tiny wooden sleds before crashing spectacularly into a mountain of Dunlops. It’s the modern interpretation of transporting wine barrels from the upper parts of town to the lower on wooden carts. The best place to view this loco tradition is in Icod de los Vino which boasts a number of nose-bleed inducing streets. Few visitors or even ex-pat residents travel to see this arrastre de las tablas, but it’s quite an experience. However, the last few times I’ve been it rained and last year it was so heavy that there was not a lot of careening down the hills going on.

With the night temperatures cooling down as the month progresses, standing around a chestnut brazier sipping wine is quite a magical way of keeping warm that seems more in accordance with bygone days. And when you see the glowing braziers I’m willing to bet that one of the first things that enters your head will be the opening line of a classic Nat King Cole song… well it will if you’re over a certain age.

It’s the start of a new year. Traditional Tinerfeño rainbow-coloured skirts are being ruffled, horses harnessed up and batucada drums beaten. The fiestas are about to start coming thick and fast and if you don’t want to miss out on Tenerife’s most exuberant, colourful and occasionally mind-boggling parties it’s worth taking note of Tenerife Magazine’s guide to the top ten fiestas on Tenerife.

1: Carnaval on Tenerife
It’s big, brash, over the top fun and it’s the ideal time for any closet transvestites to take to the streets in their wife’s slinkiest little black number without giving their secret away. Actually, this is the time when you look odd if you’re not cross-dressing. It’s a hedonistic week of parades and tripping the light fantastic at all-night street parties; if you’re still alive at the end, you haven’t fully embraced Carnaval.
(Best Locations: Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz; between 12th and 21st February)

2: Semana Santa
The complete opposite to carnival, Semana Santa (Easter Week) is a solemn, emotional affair. Silent processions of religious brotherhoods dressed in pointed hooded cloaks add poignancy to historic streets. The fact that their cloaks resemble those of the Ku Klux Clan only adds to a slightly unsettling, but unforgettable experience.
(Best Location: La Laguna; Good Friday, 2nd April)

3: Fiestas of the Cross
Crosses all over the island are beautifully decorated, but the real action takes place in the air for this fiesta. It’s claimed that Europe’s biggest firework display, lasting three hours, takes place at Los Realejos. It does go on for three hours, but there’s a bit of poetic license about how long the actual firework displays last. Whatever the reality, it’s still a spectacular show.
(Best Location – Los Realejos; 3rd May)

4: Corpus Christi
It’s flower-power time on Tenerife as the streets of La Orotava are filled with ornate and colourful floral carpets. Tenerife’s most beautiful looking and smelling fiesta attracts people from all over the world and is a spectacle not to be missed. The pièce de résistance is the immense sand tapestry in front of the town hall, the biggest of its kind in the world. This work of art is created using only sand and soil from the Mount Teide crater, which will blow you away… if the wind doesn’t blow it away first.
(Best Location – La Orotava; 3rd June)

5: Night of San Juan
Magical midsummer is the time for all sorts of mystical shenanigans. You can either head into the hills and jump over fires for good luck (the good luck comes from not being barbecued in the process). Alternatively, the more chilled-out option involves drinking and eating on the beach to the sound of live bands until midnight. Then it’s time to strip off and take to the midsummer water which is supposed to have magical healing powers.
(Best locations – San Andrés and Puerto de la Cruz; 23rd June)

6: Virgen del Carmen
The fishermen’s fiesta takes place in fishing communities all over the island in mid July. It’s an excuse for a day of partying and fun involving lots of water before statues of the Virgen are loaded onto fishing boats and taken for a mini cruise. In bigger towns it can be boisterous fun, not for the faint hearted and ends up resembling one massive wet t-shirt competition (okay, I bet some people have suddenly developed an interest in the island’s traditions).
(Best locations – all over Tenerife; around the 16th July)

7: Romerías
These colourful harvest processions involving elaborately decorated carts drawn by oxen take place throughout the year, but one of the nicest takes place in one of Tenerife’s most picturesque towns, Garachico. It’s an overdose of traditional music, costumes, cowpats and – get this – free food and wine.
(Best location – Garachico; 16th August)

8: Hearts of Tejina
One of the smaller fiestas in a place way off the beaten track just happens to be one of the most bizarre. Giant hearts are constructed from fruits, vegetables and pastry and paraded through the streets to the sounds of verbal abuse from rival ‘heart’ carriers. This tops the odd category.
(Location – Tejina, La Laguna; Sunday closest to 24th August)

9: San Andrés
The patron saint of Scotland set an example which has been re-enacted many times over; arrive on the island, get bladdered and pass out.  Nowadays the fiesta dedicated to him is an excuse to partake of some new wine and, depending on its potency, maybe slide down a steep hill on a steel tray.
(Best locations – Icod de los Vinos & Puerto de la Cruz; 29th November)

10: New Year
Other people might include the Tres Reyes parades, but the Nochevieja (New Year) celebrations on Tenerife are as good as any you’ll find anywhere else in the world. Spectacular firework displays, street parties with thousands of people in evening dresses and DJs sexily salsa-ing till dawn make it a night, and probably a hangover, to remember
(Best locations – all over Tenerife; 31st December)

Popular folklore on Tenerife has it that when Saint Andrew arrived on the island to preach the gospel he arrived late, discovered the island’s new wine and, just to be polite, partook of it liberally before giving in to a deep sleep. The story goes that local children tied pots and pans to the disciple’s clothes so that he’d wake up every time he tried to turn over.
Fact or fable, that’s the reason why the eve of San Andrés (29th November) has hordes of children running riot around the cobbled streets of Puerto de la Cruz from about 7pm pulling long trains of string decorated with old tins and bits of metal making an almighty racket.
If it’s raining the whole thing is usually called off, presumably so the little darlings don’t get wet, or rusty or something.

In the run up to San Andrés, Puerto’s harbour is filled with hot braziers roasting the season’s castañas (chestnuts) and serving them up with the new wine produced from local harvests, aniseed bread and succulent, spicy pork kebabs known as pinchos. It’s an aromatic, savoury fiesta and you can start to enjoy it from now until the 30th November.

Just along the road, young lads in Icod de los Vinos celebrate a past Saint Andrew’s day tradition by giving it some Jackass credentials.
In days of yore, wine producers transported their barrels down Icod’s nose-bleed-inducing streets on wooden sleds pulled by oxen and using a long stick which acted as both rudder and brake. Today, Icod’s daredevil teenagers take to greased boards and hurtle at breakneck speed down those same pass-me-my-crampons streets without the aid of brakes at all and plough into huge piles of old tyres, often featuring several feet of airborne anarchy.

If you’d like to witness this madness, head to Icod’s Calle El Plano on the nights of the 29th and the 30th. You’ll know you’re there by the presence of one or more Cruz Roja (ambulance) vehicles, which gives you some idea of the health and safety standards you’re about to NOT witness.
Naturally, the new wines will also be on sale from stalls around the town and should help to steady the nerves… of spectators.

Those of a more nervous disposition may want to stay around the nursery slopes, some of the less steep streets where the juniors learn their trade.