Tenerife Magazine’s round up of some of the most interesting news stories of the week in Tenerife.

What Does One of Britain’s Top Travel Editors Think of The Canary Islands?
Not a lot it seems. In response to a tweet stating that the editor of Saga, Emma Soames, thinks Tenerife is only good for getting a tan, Jane Knight, travel editor of The Times, responded on the social media platform Twitter – ‘I just don’t get the canaries. Give me the balearics any day’.
Each to their own and all that but when it was suggested she should try outside of the resorts she came back with ‘…have been outside resorts and not impressed.’
How far outside of the resorts she ventured we don’t know for sure but there was a Jane Knight who co-wrote an article about the Canary Islands in The Guardian a few years ago that included this statement: ‘If escaping the well-worn tourist trails of Tenerife is your aim you can’t get further away than this stunningly positioned lodge-style parador which is over 2,000 metres above sea level.’
Sorry Jane but a visit to the parador in Teide National Park, the most visited spot on Tenerife, isn’t really what we’d consider escaping the well-worn tourist trails.

Always Pointing the Finger at Others
Some news reports this week blamed the authorities in Arona for not warning bathers about a threat of stinging jellyfish in the sea near Los Cristianos. It’s claimed that local fisherman knew about the threat of jellyfish invasion for weeks before it happened but no warning was raised by the local council. There are two things about this that makes the criticism smack of political shenanigans. The first is that if local fishermen knew about it, then so did every other Canario in Los Cristianos – word of mouth is still one of the main ways news travel about this island. Secondly, although there is now a warning flag in place, there is always the danger of meeting something in the sea that will bite you, sting you or stick spines in the soles of your feet. People shouldn’t have to be told that it’s sensible to keep an eye on what’s sharing the water with them whatever the situation. If you wish for a nanny state, you run the risk of creating a situation where people are as dependant as babies.

TV Watching in the Canary Islands
There are a couple of reasons why it might not come as a surprise to learn that people in The Canary Islands watch the least hours of television in the whole of Spain, averaging just under 4 hours a day (239 minutes). The first is obviously the weather. Who wants to spend their time indoors when you’ve got a climate like this? The second is Canarian TV – it’s not very good (anyone who claims otherwise hasn’t seen quality TV in a long, long time) and doing anything else is preferable. But maybe that’s a chicken and egg situation; why invest in good television if people aren’t watching it? Aragón came in as the Spanish province where people have the squarest eyes with 275 minutes a day. How do Canarian TV habits compare to the UK? You might think it would be a lot less but stats claim that UK viewers only watch 4 hours 2 minutes on average per day… or so they say.

Not Much of a Sea Defence
Poor little San Andrés. Nearly every time there are weather alerts for high tides and wild seas, the little fishing village outside of Santa Cruz finds its promenade, and the businesses that line it, flooded. Following serious flooding in September last year, the sea wall and defences have been strengthened to try to prevent this happening again. Last weekend’s weather alert was the first test… and it failed. Although the waves were nowhere near as high as last September’s, they still breached the sea wall reaching as far as the fort on the edge of the town. Residents are concerned that when really high tides arrive the new defences will be next to useless. The people responsible for designing the new defences were unable to comment as they were too busy building chocolate fire-guards.

And finally the TIT (This Is Tenerife) of the week award goes to… Tenerife Magazine
Snow was forecast for Mount Teide this week and the summit was hidden behind thick cloud as temperatures dropped.  So when someone posted on Facebook a spectacular picture taken from Playa de las Canteras on Gran Canaria of the snow clad peak of Teide we jumped on it and posted the picture on Tenerife Magazine’s Facebook wall. It wasn’t long before a few people pointed out that there wasn’t actually any snow on Teide. A quick check of webcams confirmed that Teide was indeed snow-less. We expected snow and someone gave us evidence… false though it turned out to be. Why anyone would want to post a picture of Teide in snow and claim it was taken that day when it clearly wasn’t is a mystery. But we did note that the original poster was a sociology professor at La Laguna so maybe it was a sociological experiment. If only they’d waited a week, then Mount Teide might actually look like that.

You would think that, having fought so hard to take Tenerife from its original inhabitants, the Spanish would have immediately set about shoring up their defences so that no-one else could come along and steal their prize. But it would seem that the blueprint for Tenerife political life was set right back at the end of the fifteenth century when the policy of ‘do nothing’ was first established.

After the discovery of the New World, Tenerife became the gateway to trade between Europe and the Americas bringing her untold wealth and the attentions of every English and French ship sailing the Atlantic under the ensign of a skull and crossbones.

Despite repeated attacks on her major ports throughout the sixteenth century, Tenerife remained incredibly and completely bereft of any form of defence and it wasn’t until the invaders came under threat of invasion themselves that the thoughts of Tenerife’s settlers turned to the issue of strengthening island defences.

In 1513, with nerves on edge over the Spanish war with France, a committee was convened in Santa Cruz to agree a defensive strategy. Suggestions for the construction of a fort were dismissed on the grounds that a military presence may disrupt the ‘socio-economic rhythm’ of trade. The committee disbanded having left the defence of the island to the watchtowers and smoke signals that lined the coast scrutinising for foreign sails anchored beyond shipping routes.
No-one apparently thought to point out that, without fire power, the ability to spot an invasion as it happened was tantamount to selling tickets to your own demise and was probably not the sharpest military strategy ever devised.

Money talks
Economics eventually dictated common sense when, at the end of the 16th century, war impoverished Spain woke up to the fact that her treasury was completely dependant on gold and silver imports which came via Tenerife. Finally, moves were made to shore up that income stream.

Work began on fortifying Tenerife’s lucrative ports, beginning in Santa Cruz with the construction of the Castillo de San Cristóbal in 1575.
Sited in the centre of the bay on what is now Plaza de España, the castle became the centrepiece (and for 60 years the only piece) of the city’s defences.
At the same time, Tenerife’s wealthiest port of Garachico constructed the Castillo de San Miguel and a few years later the moated Castillo San Felipe was constructed in the port of La Orotava, now Puerto de la Cruz.

In 1604 as wine exports grew, the port of Santa Cruz was expanded prompting the need for further defences beginning with the construction of Paso Alto which became the mainstay of the port’s protection against the attempted invasion by Admiral Blake in 1657.

In 1641 the outbreak of the Portuguese revolution sparked further fear of invasion and the Castillo de San Juan Bautista, or the Black Castle as it was known, was constructed.

The addition of the Torre de San Andrés in 1706 made Santa Cruz virtually impregnable and by the time Admiral Nelson attacked the port in 1757 it had the firepower of 84 canon and 7 mortars housed in three castles, two forts, a tower and 12 batteries. What Tenerife lacked in numbers of castles, it made up for in defiant spirit when the Santa Cruz defences held against that attack by Nelson and the proudest day of the island’s military history was born.

November is the month of the castaña (chestnut) on Tenerife and whereas in Britain chestnut season means epic conker battles and bruised knuckles, on Tenerife activities have more than a hint of a Charles Dickens’ Christmas about them.

Throughout the month, soldierly rows of iron braziers, blackened by years of service, spring up on cobbled streets and town squares across the north of Tenerife. Mini carbon mountains are fired up and chestnuts collected mainly from the Acentejo region are peeled, scored and slowly roasted in heavy pans that become white with the heat. Their locations are impossible to miss as smoky sentinels weave through the streets enticing victims with aromas full of nostalgic promise.

I’d never been much of a fan of eating chestnuts before moving to Tenerife; my one and only experience being chewy when roasted, frozen ones from the supermarket. However, the first time I tried roasted chestnuts beside the harbour at Puerto de la Cruz served in a paper cone, they were a revelation. Soft, savoury sweet and, accompanied by a cup of robust earthy red wine, they were simply heaven in a poke. Now I’m a big fan and look forward to my annual castaña hit.

Although chestnut month on Tenerife mostly consists of the brazier roasted chestnuts adding a touch of seasonal colour, smell and, if you get close enough, heat to plazas across the island, some municipalities really go to town.

La Victoria de Acentejo celebrates the mes de castaña with a series of events including guided walks through the castaña forest, artisan fairs and musical evenings with chestnut themed tapas. Restaurants in La Victoria add chestnut inspired dishes to their menus and at Tasca Garpa (Carretera General, 205) chestnut aficionados can tuck into fillet steak in a chestnut sauce , whilst La Sabina restaurant (TF5 exit 27) has chestnut tempura on a bed of prawns and langoustines in green curry. A seasonal must in the town is to pick up some chestnut bread from Panadería Santo Domingo (Calle Bubaque, 12).

The culmination of chestnut month is the Fiesta of San Andrés (Saint Andrew) on the 29th November. Scotland’s patron saint has an affinity with the island – same flag, towns named after him and a party to honour his existence even if on Tenerife it’s celebrated a day earlier than in Scotland.

29th November is the day when traditionally the island’s wine cellars open their doors and the season’s new wine is ready to be launched on a thirsty world. It’s also another one of those Tenerife days when uninformed tourists in Puerto de la Cruz are completely bemused by what’s going on around them. At first, tasting wines from the Orotava Valley at the kiosks around the harbour makes it seem like a genteel and sophisticated fiesta…until you step onto the cobbled street and are nearly flattened by runaway washing machines. The arrastre los cacharros are an essential part of proceedings and involves making as much noise as possible with any metal object that comes to hand and if you want to know why read our report from last year.

In the hills celebrations take on a slightly different form. Any town with steep streets will have them commandeered by local youths who careen down them on tiny wooden sleds before crashing spectacularly into a mountain of Dunlops. It’s the modern interpretation of transporting wine barrels from the upper parts of town to the lower on wooden carts. The best place to view this loco tradition is in Icod de los Vino which boasts a number of nose-bleed inducing streets. Few visitors or even ex-pat residents travel to see this arrastre de las tablas, but it’s quite an experience. However, the last few times I’ve been it rained and last year it was so heavy that there was not a lot of careening down the hills going on.

With the night temperatures cooling down as the month progresses, standing around a chestnut brazier sipping wine is quite a magical way of keeping warm that seems more in accordance with bygone days. And when you see the glowing braziers I’m willing to bet that one of the first things that enters your head will be the opening line of a classic Nat King Cole song… well it will if you’re over a certain age.

It’s the start of a new year. Traditional Tinerfeño rainbow-coloured skirts are being ruffled, horses harnessed up and batucada drums beaten. The fiestas are about to start coming thick and fast and if you don’t want to miss out on Tenerife’s most exuberant, colourful and occasionally mind-boggling parties it’s worth taking note of Tenerife Magazine’s guide to the top ten fiestas on Tenerife.

1: Carnaval on Tenerife
It’s big, brash, over the top fun and it’s the ideal time for any closet transvestites to take to the streets in their wife’s slinkiest little black number without giving their secret away. Actually, this is the time when you look odd if you’re not cross-dressing. It’s a hedonistic week of parades and tripping the light fantastic at all-night street parties; if you’re still alive at the end, you haven’t fully embraced Carnaval.
(Best Locations: Santa Cruz and Puerto de la Cruz; between 12th and 21st February)

2: Semana Santa
The complete opposite to carnival, Semana Santa (Easter Week) is a solemn, emotional affair. Silent processions of religious brotherhoods dressed in pointed hooded cloaks add poignancy to historic streets. The fact that their cloaks resemble those of the Ku Klux Clan only adds to a slightly unsettling, but unforgettable experience.
(Best Location: La Laguna; Good Friday, 2nd April)

3: Fiestas of the Cross
Crosses all over the island are beautifully decorated, but the real action takes place in the air for this fiesta. It’s claimed that Europe’s biggest firework display, lasting three hours, takes place at Los Realejos. It does go on for three hours, but there’s a bit of poetic license about how long the actual firework displays last. Whatever the reality, it’s still a spectacular show.
(Best Location – Los Realejos; 3rd May)

4: Corpus Christi
It’s flower-power time on Tenerife as the streets of La Orotava are filled with ornate and colourful floral carpets. Tenerife’s most beautiful looking and smelling fiesta attracts people from all over the world and is a spectacle not to be missed. The pièce de résistance is the immense sand tapestry in front of the town hall, the biggest of its kind in the world. This work of art is created using only sand and soil from the Mount Teide crater, which will blow you away… if the wind doesn’t blow it away first.
(Best Location – La Orotava; 3rd June)

5: Night of San Juan
Magical midsummer is the time for all sorts of mystical shenanigans. You can either head into the hills and jump over fires for good luck (the good luck comes from not being barbecued in the process). Alternatively, the more chilled-out option involves drinking and eating on the beach to the sound of live bands until midnight. Then it’s time to strip off and take to the midsummer water which is supposed to have magical healing powers.
(Best locations – San Andrés and Puerto de la Cruz; 23rd June)

6: Virgen del Carmen
The fishermen’s fiesta takes place in fishing communities all over the island in mid July. It’s an excuse for a day of partying and fun involving lots of water before statues of the Virgen are loaded onto fishing boats and taken for a mini cruise. In bigger towns it can be boisterous fun, not for the faint hearted and ends up resembling one massive wet t-shirt competition (okay, I bet some people have suddenly developed an interest in the island’s traditions).
(Best locations – all over Tenerife; around the 16th July)

7: Romerías
These colourful harvest processions involving elaborately decorated carts drawn by oxen take place throughout the year, but one of the nicest takes place in one of Tenerife’s most picturesque towns, Garachico. It’s an overdose of traditional music, costumes, cowpats and – get this – free food and wine.
(Best location – Garachico; 16th August)

8: Hearts of Tejina
One of the smaller fiestas in a place way off the beaten track just happens to be one of the most bizarre. Giant hearts are constructed from fruits, vegetables and pastry and paraded through the streets to the sounds of verbal abuse from rival ‘heart’ carriers. This tops the odd category.
(Location – Tejina, La Laguna; Sunday closest to 24th August)

9: San Andrés
The patron saint of Scotland set an example which has been re-enacted many times over; arrive on the island, get bladdered and pass out.  Nowadays the fiesta dedicated to him is an excuse to partake of some new wine and, depending on its potency, maybe slide down a steep hill on a steel tray.
(Best locations – Icod de los Vinos & Puerto de la Cruz; 29th November)

10: New Year
Other people might include the Tres Reyes parades, but the Nochevieja (New Year) celebrations on Tenerife are as good as any you’ll find anywhere else in the world. Spectacular firework displays, street parties with thousands of people in evening dresses and DJs sexily salsa-ing till dawn make it a night, and probably a hangover, to remember
(Best locations – all over Tenerife; 31st December)

In the run up to San Andrés, Puerto’s harbour is filled with hot braziers roasting the season’s castañas (chestnuts) and serving them up with the new wine produced from local harvests, aniseed bread and succulent, spicy pork kebabs known as pinchos. It’s an aromatic, savoury fiesta and you can start to enjoy it from now until the 30th November.

Just along the road, young lads in Icod de los Vinos celebrate a past Saint Andrew’s day tradition by giving it some Jackass credentials.
In days of yore, wine producers transported their barrels down Icod’s nose-bleed-inducing streets on wooden sleds pulled by oxen and using a long stick which acted as both rudder and brake. Today, Icod’s daredevil teenagers take to greased boards and hurtle at breakneck speed down those same pass-me-my-crampons streets without the aid of brakes at all and plough into huge piles of old tyres, often featuring several feet of airborne anarchy.

If you’d like to witness this madness, head to Icod’s Calle El Plano on the nights of the 29th and the 30th. You’ll know you’re there by the presence of one or more Cruz Roja (ambulance) vehicles, which gives you some idea of the health and safety standards you’re about to NOT witness.
Naturally, the new wines will also be on sale from stalls around the town and should help to steady the nerves… of spectators.

Those of a more nervous disposition may want to stay around the nursery slopes, some of the less steep streets where the juniors learn their trade.